'Anaconda' is the worst movie I have seen in a while.

Story 

A film crew on the hunt for a secluded civilisation in the Amazon rainforest is held hostage by a hunter who wants to find and capture the world's largest and deadliest snake.

The story on paper isn't awful. With better execution, it could be a somewhat compelling story (ish) that’s at least a little scary. Alas, you're not getting that here. The execution of this movie is ridiculous and while the movie doesn’t veer from the story it wants to tell, I checked out less than halfway through and didn't care about anything that was going on.

Acting

I was genuinely surprised when I saw the number of recognisable faces in this movie, Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, John Voight and Owen Wilson. The one question I have to each of them is "What about this movie interested you enough to sign on to the project?" I genuinely want to know because there really isn't any substance here.

Even though there is a little chemistry between the cast, it doesn't cover the bad acting. While I wasn't expecting Oscar calibre acting, none of the actors here did anything to make their characters relatable or interesting. They exist purely as plot devices rather than as actual individuals that you should care about.

There isn't much to say about each individual performance except "meh". The only performance worth mentioning is John Voight's. His character is insane and I'm not entirely sure if he was written to be funny or the performance just came across that way.

Writing/Direction

This writing is nothing special. The characters are unlikeable and have no nuance. They are the epitome of bland which makes is very hard to care about them when they're in danger. The lack of substance makes it hard to care about anything in this movie because nothing was written with any care.

After watching this movie, I checked to see what genre it falls into and to my befuddlement, it's a horror movie. The only thing remotely scary about this movie is the fact that there a sequels and reboots. (That and John Voight)

The pacing is shoddy. This movie has a runtime of 89 minutes but it feels much longer. Anytime it looked like it was wrapping up, something else would happen and at one point I said "Is this film still going on? out loud because it felt like the movie would never end. The beginning of the film never really adds anything to the movie. While I don't expect the action to start right away I was waiting for something interesting to happen which never did.

CGI/Set Design

The anacondas in the movie are a mix of animatronics and CGI and that said CGI is horrific. However, I don't hold it against the filmmakers and the movie as CGI in 1997 wasn't what it is today. Interestingly enough, the movie cost $45 million and the CGI for the anacondas cost $100,000 a second but it sure as hell doesn't look like it.

I find it hilarious that the thing I'm supposed to be afraid of is the thing I spent 90% of the time laughing at. Whenever the anaconda was on screen, I remember that this is supposed to be a movie with stakes and tension rather than the interesting mess that it is.

One thing that does earn a modicum of my respect is the use of location. The movie was filmed actually filmed in Brazil which makes it look more authentic. That probably the only compliment I can pay this movie.

Score/Soundtrack

This isn't the kind of movie where I pay attention to the score as there is nothing good to say about it. When the movie starts and ends the score that plays over the respective scenes sounds like something out of a Nollywood movie, which took me completely by surprise and made me laugh so hard that I had to pause the movie for 5 minutes while I got over my fits of laughter (I'm not exaggerating).

Overall Thoughts

I have to state that this movie terrified me as a child. I don't like snakes and a movie about a huge one that eats people was (and still is) my worst nightmare and I blocked it out of my memory after seeing it once. That being said, this movie is laughable. Everything about it is bad. I don't like calling movies bad because a lot goes into making them and I like to find at least one thing I like. I even managed to find something I like in the Last Airbender, a film I hate (and I really mean that).

There is nothing positive about this movie except its use of location. It isn't like certain bad movies where you can laugh at it and make a joke out of the viewing experience. This movie was a chore to watch, it has bad acting, bad writing, a somewhat passable (ish) story, horrendous CGI. And worst of all? The film is really boring. I never thought a movie about a giant snake would be boring but here we are. HOW IS IT BORING? IT HAS A GIANT SNAKE THAT EATS PEOPLE!

All in all, I hate this movie. It's a boring, forgettable mess that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.